In the daunting quest to find “The One,” or the person who we’re ready to share and spend the rest of our lives with, we are often left feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. Factor in the unrealistic romantic comedies and stories of effortless meet-cutes we are inundated with, and the prospect of true love quickly begins to appear unattainable.
Instead of labeling ourselves as being unlovable, or blaming the people we keep involving ourselves with, psychotherapist Katherine Woodward Thomas offers us a way to grab life by the reins and attract what we want, including true love. It starts by working from the inside out. “If we are having difficulty sustaining loving, nurturing, and committed relationships, the place to look at is your relationship with yourself,” she said in her book, Calling In ‘The One.” “Ask yourself: In what ways are you failing to love, nurture, and commit to yourself?”
When you fall in love with yourself and the life you have created (or need to create), the right person will fall in love with you. A big part of this is to avoid using relationships to fill a void, quell a fear, or disguise an insecurity that you have. A relationship must be built on a solid foundation in order to be nurtured into an extraordinary love.
Thomas guides us to self-love through meditation, journaling, and prayer. This type of introspection will become a transformative experience, resulting in the shedding of old skin that’s been holding you back. Below are a few areas to explore and rewrite in preparation for the soulmate you’ll be attracting into your life.
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Rethink your idea of a soulmate.
Either we or people we know have a checklist of qualities for their future partner. Whether it’s as specific as having a full bank account or being ambitious, Thomas argues that these fantasies can actually hold us back. “Rarely will the love of your life look the way you think he or she should look.” When we mistake status or lust for love, we miss the gift of having a soulmate. A soulmate creates a deeper, more genuine connection that’s closer to feelings of ease and comfort—without sacrificing excitement. We should dispel our judgments and assessments and open our minds and curiosity to people who we wouldn’t give a second glance otherwise. To get started on this, Thomas recommends meditating and imagining how The One makes you feel rather than what he or she looks like or where he or she comes from.
Declutter your environment.
Making space for the future you want is vital in creating energy that will attract what you seek. Throw away relics from former relationships or buy a bed that fits two people. You can also open up your schedule so that you actually have a chance at letting new people enter your life. This downtime also helps you face your fear of being alone, making you more receptive to the joys of solitude. Start by creating a list of five things that you could add to your home to make a future partner feel comfortable. Then make one or two adjustments to your schedule that would give you time to meet new people.
Let go of toxic relationships.
Thomas describes relationships as a two-way street where energy is the traffic, and the result is personal growth or the opposite, blockage. One of the best examples of this is unrequited love, which is just a mirroring of our own insecurities. Often, these relationships leave us drained and empty inside, which wouldn’t occur with a soulmate. “We perpetuate them because we think it’s better to hold on to someone who loves us a little rather than risk being without anyone at all,” Dr. Thomas says. To help you identify these negative relationships, you should take out your journal and ask yourself how this relationship makes you think and feel about yourself, your fears and the boundaries within the relationship. Extend this beyond just romantic relationships, include coworkers and even friends.
These are just a few areas of your life to examine, and most likely change, to help guide you down the path to being your most fulfilled, welcoming self and attracting that special someone into your life.
Illustrator: Marie Guillard