The aftermath of being dumped can shake you right to your core. The bed feels cold and empty, and despair disguises itself as a sinking feeling in your stomach that just won’t go away, nor will the many unanswered questions floating around in your head. Why me? What did I do wrong? Why doesn’t he love me anymore? Maybe you saw it coming; maybe you didn’t. But to put it simply, breakups suck.
Out of familiarity and security, you might want to try to cling on, make it work, or change yourself to meet their needs — even if it means becoming almost embarrassingly desperate. No judgments though, we’ve all been there.
So here’s some news that might actually free you of this emotional and mental turmoil: you guys brokeup because your relationship was broken. It seems simple enough, almost too simple, but seriously, this is the only way to see it. The moment someone decides to stop investing in a relationship, it’s doomed. The end is inevitable. But that’s okay. Why would you want to waste your time with someone who doesn’t want to spend their time with you? “People come together and move apart,” Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt write in their book, It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken. It’s just a fact of life, and it’s nothing that should ever make you doubt yourself.
The fact that your ex didn’t see the beauty in you is reason enough not to shed another tear about the relationship ending. The people who stay in your life are the ones that matter, not the people who can’t recognize how lovely you are, inside and out. You’re free to find someone who appreciates your awesomeness — and even better, you’ve released the dead weight that held you back from being the best version of yourself.
So the breakup has happened. Now it’s time for the break-over!
To help you get into the break-over mentality faster and with your dignity fully intact, Behrendt and Ruotola-Behrendt have come up with some tried and true tips, that will help you emerge swinging. If you follow their advice, you’ll wonder how you ever felt a drop of sadness after a breakup.
End all contact with your ex.
Out of sight, out of mind has never been truer when it comes to getting over a breakup. Go cold turkey for 60 days. Block their social media accounts and block their numbers. When you feel the need to connect with someone, reach out to loved ones, not your ex. This way, you are giving yourself the emotional distance and clarity necessary to move on. Use your new found freedom to do everything you neglected to do because your ex was in the way, and we bet that in two months time, you’ll be like, “My ex, who?”
A picture speaks 1000 words.
To remember why your ex wasn’t the one for you, because let’s be real, they clearly weren’t if they let you go, take one picture in which they look great and another in which they look bad. Under the flattering photo, write down their best qualities, and under the bad photo, write down their worst qualities. Your ex had both good and bad qualities, and you two had good and bad times. It’s important to see the relationship for what it was and not to romanticize only the good through rose-colored glasses.
Journal it out.
For those 60 days, you’re going to be going through a lot emotionally. Instead of bottling up or numbing your pain with lots of alcohol, ice cream, rebound sex, or all of the above, write everything you feel. You might just be surprised at what comes out.
Snag a breakup buddy.
Friends and close loved ones are the ones to help you get through any and all tough times, and breakups are no exception. Choose a friend who can be there for you when your emotions are too much to handle, like when you’re about to go on a Ben & Jerry’s bender. (And be ready to return the favor if and when the time comes.)
Be kind to yourself.
This is a moment to remember how great you are, not how someone couldn’t love you. In the end, only you can make you happy, so in this vulnerable time, it’s important to go easy on yourself — and love yourself unconditionally too.
Illustrator: Marie Guillard