Here’s the second installment of our new “Sexy Saturdays” series where we bring you straightforward (but not too serious) talk about sex—how to get creative, make it better, and most of all, enjoy it. Today, Jaiya, a sexologist and author of the upcoming book Blow Each Other Away, offers tips straight from Fifty Shades of Grey. Kids: Feel free to plug your ears and sing, “la, la, la, la!”
If you’ve been captivated by the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon, then you may have wondered how you can take the “ordinary to the extraordinary” when it comes to your sex life. I know that you all dream of having hot, passionate, intense, orgasmic, mind-blowing sex. You may have even been feeling a little let down by your current sex life. So why not spice things up a bit, because extraordinary Fifty Shades sex is possible. Here’s how:
1. Fantastic Foreplay: Christian and Anastasia are in a constant state of turning each other on. They use innuendo in speaking to each other. They flirt via text and e-mail when they are not together. They TOUCH! So many couples that I work with have forgotten the importance of touching each other. While Christian has issues with touch, he is constantly touching Ana and spending time turning her on both physically and psychologically. This leads to much higher arousal on her part and thus much higher pleasure when they have sex.
2. Scintillating Somatic Sex Ed.: It is mentioned a few times in the book that Christian was educated in the bedroom arts. For one, he had a mentor during his sexual coming of age. While ultimately his relationship with “Mrs. Robinson” is viewed as a negative thing, he did learn a lot about sexual power from her. He also mentions that he hired women to train him. His education wasn’t just reading about sex in books or taking workshops. It was somatic, hands on, education—the best kind in my view. If you want extraordinary sex, it’s time that you start learning everything you can. Read books, take workshops, but most importantly get somatic experience. Practice creates masters.
3. Mystery + Obstacle = Attraction: It’s the perfect formula used in all great romances. Think about Romeo and Juliet or Edward and Bella from Twilight. Even Ana and Christian have that element of mystery and obstacle, which creates that unbelievable sexual attraction. How do you create mystery and obstacle in your own relationship? You cultivate it. We think that we have to share everything with our lovers to create the ultimate intimacy. But sometimes too much emotional intimacy kills the hot sex. Think about when you were first dating when you didn’t know how he liked his coffee, when you weren’t sure if you would see him again. What made that time different? What things could you do to create newness? For obstacles, remember when you just made out? Remember when you played through clothing? Clothing is a great obstacle. Try a good romp where you aren’t allowed to remove clothing. Try experimenting with restraint—another great obstacle that is easily created.
4. Be in the Moment and in Your Body: Ana seems like she is always ready for sex and highly orgasmic. What gets her there? She is what we call in somatic sexology, embodied. Being embodied means that she is in her body, she can be in the moment sensing and feeling every breath, every touch, every shiver that runs through her. She isn’t thinking about the laundry that needs to be done or something that happened at work. When Christian touches her she is present to the moment in most scenes. While she may have trepidation about all of the things he might do to her, Ana stays present and allows the sensation to take over. She often let’s go of her mind and becomes a sea of pure physical sensation.
5. Be Open to and Talk About New Experiences: Perhaps as you read Fifty Shades you thought to yourself, “I could NEVER do that!” but then you became curious, wanting to maybe try something you read. I think that one of the things that keeps couples together in both passion and love is that they stay open to trying new things. They become more adventurous together. Ana is always willing to have the discussion with Christian and to explore with him. While she doesn’t always understand his desires, she seeks to understand to find her own limits. The way that they communicate about sex is actually the first step to opening up to what feels okay when you start stepping out of your comfort zone. It’s okay to have hard limits, but leave room for growth, exploration, change and learning.
I believe that women have a lot to learn from the Fifty Shades trilogy, and I am very happy that the book is creating so much conversation around something that has been so taboo for so long. From sexual communication to trying new sexual enhancement products to learning how to be present and in your body, there are many things that women can take away from this book that will help them go from ordinary to extraordinary. Simply setting the intention of improving your love life and then setting up any favorite moment from the book could be a win/win for both you and your lover.
(A version of this article originally appeared on Jaiya’s blog, missjaiya.com.)