According to certified sex instructor Lou Paget, there’s a lot of uncertainty out there about orgasms: How can I be sure I’ve had one? Why can’t I have one during sex? How can I make sure I have one? She answers all those questions and more in Orgasms: How to Have Them, Give Them and Keep Them Going. We caught up with her to ask a few questions of our own.
Lou Paget: In Orgasms, I looked at the science behind women’s and men’s ability to be orgasmic. In my seminars I had so many people asking me if their orgasms were “okay” that I wanted information that would expand and validate the experiences people may have already known with the latest science about orgasmic pleasure. I looked at the range of orgasms—10 for women (now 11 with coregasms) and eight for men, now nine—and the best positions to achieve the range of orgasms possible and to validate those who had experienced them. Prior to Orgasms there wasn’t one book that collected information on all parts of women’s and men’s orgasms (e.g. the three different types of multiple orgasms women can have, how to create G spot orgasms from the researcher that gave them that name, and much much more).
BBL: What’s one of the biggest myths/misunderstandings about orgasms?
LP: That we all have the same type…there is a reason Hartmann, Fithian and Campbell coined the term “orgasmic fingerprint” to describe how uniquely each woman experiences her orgasms. Porn is not your friend when it comes to comparing yourself to others.
BBL: How can we keep our mind from getting in the way of our pleasure?
LP: Reduce the two biggest robbers of pleasure: being tired/stressed and not enough time. People can’t relax and just be still or connect with one another if their to-do list is hanging over their heads.
Pleasure Potential Idea #1: To get the list out of your head, take a single sheet of paper that you know will be in a safe place and write down all the things you have to do that are getting in your way of being able to concentrate on your partner or an event. This exercise sets your brain free to be creative (a very good thing); by writing it down, your brain will perceive that 90 percent of the work is already done.
Pleasure Potential Idea #2: On a day-to-day basis look for pleasure, something that makes you smile, like cute YouTube puppy videos. When you are smiling and feeling good it is easier to build that and carry it into the rest of your life. Turn your face into the sun. We are here for pleasure do not forget that!
Pleasure Potential Idea #3: Give yourself a physical reminder to switch mental hats to the part of you who can receive and deserves pleasure—employer to girlfriend, mother to wife, parent to partner—and do it consciously. There really was something to the behavior of our mothers and grandmothers who freshened up before their partners came home. You did it when you were dating, so why not do it now? When you change and take your hair down you switch personas.
BBL: Why should a woman never “fake it?”
LP: Honestly, both sexes do it. And they do for the same reasons—they know nothing is going to happen, it is starting to hurt or get sore, or they don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. The real issue with faking is it is an energetic lie. You acted like X worked when it didn’t. Women need to know men are better downloading devices than any computer, and lying will ensure that he will repeat what didn’t work. Oh yes, and then there are the classic monster lies told by porn that people think they are supposed to be feeling, doing and experiencing. Never forget that porn is entertainment; it isn’t anyone’s reality.
BBL: Even though this book is about achieving orgasm, you talk about how goal-oriented sex can backfire. Can you explain?
LP: This book is about understanding all facets of orgasm. Why we want them isn’t always a straightforward answer either. If orgasm is the only goal of intimacy, we miss out on a huge range of pleasure possibilities getting there. Orgasms specialness comes in part because it is a behavior you generally share with only one person. Compare that to other couples for whom the most intimate, loving thing they do is sit with their feet touching while they read. They feel loved and safe, and it is a behavior they too share only with one another.
For more relationship and sex advice, visit loupaget.com.