Why We Love Who We Love: Recovering from a Breakup or Divorce

Rachel wrote an earlier piece for us about getting through a bad breakup. Now she’s back with advice on what to do before you get back in the dating game.

There are numerous ingredients that go into determining who sparks our interest and who we pick as partners. Love, attraction and pheromones are certainly key components, but there are countless others that dictate the choices we make. Over the past thirty years, women in the United States have become nearly autonomous when it comes to making relationship decisions. We are freer today than we’ve ever been to make our own choices regarding romance. Yet paradoxically, the breakup and divorce statistics remain quite high. Exploring this disparity was a large part of my motivation for researching and writing The Breakup Bible: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Healing from a Breakup or Divorce.

What I discovered was that from the beginning of life, countless little nuances merged together, which lead you into the arms of the man you are currently mourning. There are many coincidences in life, but few coincidences in love. You might have met him by chance, but there is a reason you chose him among others, and there are other reasons yet that determined the trajectory of your relationship, breakup and grieving process. In order to explore these factors you need to examine what genetic/biological, social/cultural, and psychological factors from your earlier life influenced our partner selection, romance, and grieving period. I call this exercise “creating your personal love map”.

From the moment you were born, your personal love map was formed. This map contains data that is unique to you, and deciphering it holds massive chunks of information that will help you achieve validation and full recovery from your breakup or divorce. Through the process of creating and interpreting your love map, you will finally have the complete story about every aspect of your relationship. This includes:

  • Interpreting how important events from your past influenced your individual personality structure and relationship behavior
  • Understanding why you picked your ex as your love object
  • Comprehending exactly what went wrong in the partnership
  • Grasping what part you played in the relationship breakdown
  • A better knowledge of your ex’s personality structure and relationship behavior
  • An understanding of how your personal love map also determined your break-up conduct and mourning process

Through evaluating and understanding how your personality was formed, you will be able to have a much clearer picture of your relationship motivation and behavior, and you’ll be more proficient in conducting a fuller assessment of your ex’s motivation and behavior. The more you acknowledge and understand, the more you can grow, and the more you grow, the faster you will reach a full recovery and move on.

Decoding this information is one of the most critical components in your recovery. This will enable you to break any potential dysfunctional patterns you may currently have, which will allow you to go forward to having healthier relationships in all areas of your life. This is the only closure you will ever need. So start creating your love map today – it will never steer you wrong.

Share this Post

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Read more from Rachel Sussman, LCSW
  • Book Cover