When it comes to learning something new or getting better at something, we seek expert guidance. Curious about yoga? Take a class. Learning a new language? Download an app. Practicing meditation? Read a book. You get the idea. So why do we assume that we just somehow instinctively know how to seduce?
The art of seduction is something we can learn, something we can get better at. Here are a few easy things you can try – inspired by The Joy of Sex – to deepen your experience when you’re with the one you love.
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9 Ways to Seduce Your Partner
1. Change up your kisses.
There are many languages of kissing – from butterfly kisses (fluttering your eyelashes across the skin) to the kiss a la cannibale (which leaves a bruise) to tongue battles that last for hours. Express yourself in the moment by kissing your partner in a way that reflects your mood.
2. Have fun with words.
Whisper erotic words to your partner and gauge the response. Respect each other’s comfort zones because “what one may feel is arousing, the other may think is too crude, clinical, or aggressive.” This is a quick way to learn about each other’s sex map (see below).
3. Keep your clothes on.
Called droogneuken in Dutch, you may know this as heavy-petting. Don’t underestimate the passion that can come from building up desire fully clothed.
4. Dance, dance, dance.
You can dance together anywhere, anytime – quick turns around the kitchen table, long nights swaying to your favorite music, strip teases that go from silly to irresistible.
5. Focus on breathing.
Breathing in and out at the same time while you hold each other is a simple way to connect. The Kama Sutra recommends Tantric “fire breath” to quickly build sexual energy: “breathe in and up as if through the top of the head, then let the breath go with an audible sound, pelvic rocking slightly forward.”
6. Bathe together.
Shower, bath, hot tub … all ways to begin or extend your intimacy. “Soaping one another all over and drying one another are ‘skin games’ that lead naturally to better things” and a post-coital shower can extend your feeling of closeness.
7. Play with aphrodisiacs.
Don’t be shy about using aphrodisiacs as a playful way to begin. They work “largely because you think they will. If caviar, champagne, and strawberries create the right mood for you, they will work; if a hamburger and fries are set in the context of ‘tonight’s the night,’ they will work just as well.”
8. Explore your sex map.
A sex map comes from cultural rites of passage, personal experiences, and fantasies. “We all end up with a unique idea of what a sexual partner should do and what the sex act should involve.” The goal is for you and your partner to share your sex map openly, with curiosity and without judgment.
9. Don’t overthink it.
Long days at work, screaming kiddos, and household chores can do a number on your libido. Don’t worry about scheduling your lovemaking. Get naked together and see what happens. “Be willing to touch and kiss for a few minutes to see if your body will respond; it often does, even if you’re convinced it’s not going to.”
Illustration Credit: Marie Guillard