We are constantly amazed by the myths that are prevalent about fat people and sex. The messages in modern storytelling from film to T.V. and even in urban legends are riddled with the ideas that fat people are
b) know they are undesirable,
c) desperate for sex and
d) will go through any lengths to have sex, even suffer humiliation and abuse.
There is the fat girl at the bar who goes home with the black-out drunk frat guy. There’s the fat virgin who manages to have sex finally and it’s unsafe and unfulfilling and she manages to get pregnant during her one and only shot! Then there is the other side of the spectrum, fat as a sexual predator, out to trick lovers into their bed, because obviously, no one would willingly choose to have sex with a big body. We haven’t even cracked open the fat that only enjoys fetishes or being fetished.
These tropes may seem as harmless as they are untrue — plenty of fat people are having healthy, happy sex and even (gasp!) starting families, but being saturated with these negative messages take their toll and fats often internalize and personalize them, affecting the quality of their actual sex lives. Let’s take the Fat Girl Goes Home with Drunk Frat Guy Trope: in real life, there is an actual game that men play called “hogging”; it involves a competition to take the biggest girl home they can find, ditching her cruelly and bragging about it the next day, or worse. Some fraternities have decided to burst into a dorm room at a brother’s most intimate moment to take pictures so they can compare them at the end of the school year and award the “largest score” with a pot of money. This is an actual thing. Imagine being a fat woman who has had this happen to her. Imagine a fat woman who lives in fear that this could happen to her. The belief system that fats are not human beings and just objects who do not deserve nor except any respect is the cause of plenty of personal psychological trauma for those on the harsh end of that system.
Kathy has personal experience with this struggle; for years she felt like she had to find someone to be physically intimate in spite of what she looked like, not because of it. She spent most of her adult life thinking she had to be THE MOST charming, funny, socially sparkling human being in order to convince someone to date her, because her weight was definitely a turn-off. She also believed that anyone who did find her attractive was some kind of deviant looking to satisfy a fetish. Luckily, this broken thinking has been undone by actively searching for positive representations of women who looked like her and taking in their stories of happy, healthy relationships and thriving sex lives. Listening to Eva share her experience on their Plus This! Vodcast every week sure helped! The more comfortable she became in her own skin, the more open and trusting Kathy became with those who were interested in her and she can joyfully report that her sex life has never been better.
Eva however, has had a much different view of her past sex life, with multiple partners and love affairs (she’s now happily married and in a traditional, committed, monogamous relationship with her hot Greek husband). From an outsider’s perspective, she may have been viewed on the fat-sex-spectrum as one of the big girls who would have had sex with anyone — perhaps even a slut. From Eva’s perspective at the time, she was young and enjoying her sexuality with partners who felt the same way. There wasn’t some dirty secret of wanting SO BADLY to be desired that she would have sex with just about anyone. It was more than that. It was an inner confidence of knowing that if a man was fortuitous enough to get to the point of being intimate with her, THEY were the LUCKY ones because they were in for a romp of pleasure.
Here’s the deal. In a fat body, we aren’t always able to enjoy sex. We can be constantly in our heads about whether or not our partner “knows we’re fat” or how our fat rolls look when we’re in that one position, or how our partner might feel about us being on top. But we have to give ourselves permission to explore our own, and each other’s bodies. We need to communicate our wants and desires and as long as both parties are consenting adults, we say — anything goes! Whether you’re pursuing solo or partner pleasure, there are countless ways to amplify your fat sex life. With delightful options like Liberator luxury sex furniture that has a plus size wedge that helps to modify sexual positions, or a myriad of toys that can be incorporated into a pleasurable sexcapade like the Magic Wand or the unisex waterproof Crescendo (that bends and adapts to any body shape) you can ensure that you and your partner writhe in ecstasy. Maybe look online and try out some new positions, and modify them so that you are comfortable and enjoying yourselves. Learn to relax and have a good time and perhaps have a bit of a laugh if things don’t work out.
If by this point in reading this article you’re still feeling like having sex in your fat body is scary/intimidating/not gonna happen. . . then we’d really recommend working with someone like Victoria Welsby of Bam Pow Life who is an anti-diet and body image coach who can mentor you into feeling more comfortable and sexy in your queen sized body. Because you need to learn to love yourself and your body so you can have the best sex of your life.
Actor/influencers Kathy Deitch and Eva Tingley spearheaded PlusThis!, the multimedia brand which features pop-culture, fashion, debates regarding food and health and the societal negativity and stereotypes that surround women who dare to take up a little bit of space. The duo broadcasts live every Thursday at 6 pm PT from Universal Broadcasting Network and simultaneously across several platforms including Facebook Live and YouTube Live.
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